[ CORE QUALIFICATIONS ]

0/10 — keep working on it, champ

• Capable of falling asleep on the couch within 3.5 minutes
• Uses “we have food at home” at least twice weekly
• Possesses at least 12 elite-level dad jokes
• Has unnecessarily detailed grilling opinions
• Can fix minor household issues after 4 trips to the garage
• Makes loud noises when sitting down or standing up
• Calls every thermostat adjustment “a financial decision”
• Owns at least one pair of white New Balance shoes, cargo shorts, or both
• Has mastered the art of holding 17 grocery bags in one trip
• Uses “back in my day” despite not being that old

[ BONUS ROUND ]

• Can identify a lawn problem from 40 feet away
• Refuses to throw away random cords because “they might fit something”
• Says “watch this” before doing something mildly unsafe
• Has a preferred spatula
• Gives unsolicited weather forecasts based on knee pain
• Capable of operating the TV entirely from memory but still complains about the remote
• Has at least one “don’t touch the thermostat” speech prepared at all times
• Accidentally starts every story with “so funny thing is…”